Fuck This Court

Between watching the people versus LARRY FLYNT (the title for this is from a t-shirt he wore in court) and reading an incredibly twisted book by Mark Nyaken called 'Bone Parade' i've developed some interesting thoughts. Firstly, several days ago, i had the strangest thoughts about murdering someone for completely random reasons. That doesn't sound nearly as bad as it was, it actually startled me once i realized what i was day dreaming about and i pretty much blocked it out. Apparently, this kind of thing is normal with extended periods of meditation and the evil thoughts eventually dissipate to next to nothing. Desire is like a spark, it can cause fire that burns clean ash.
"this was the knowledge that had lain in wait all the years. It had sought me out with suddeness that was shocking, that forced me to say with a breathe i could hardly bear, 'i was this, but now i am that.' This was the knowledge that had proved most disturbing of all because it gave the lie to all that i had been, to all that i was. I saw in that searing moment that kindness and decency and even the barest sense of propriety can slip away in a blink and leave us not as we would chose, but as we have been chosen" give's me chills every time i read it.

In stark contrast, Hustler seems like beddy-time stories compared to the extensive rape details and fetishism in this book. The inertia to create such a seeming monster vibrates in all of us. You can suppress your desires and act sensibly, but does this make you any less evil at a core level? does such a quality even exist, or is it merely a product of a self-serving society? I'm not sure how much of your true character you could suppress and remain human, even if for a greater cause. Which leads to an even more interesting question, could it have been the suppression in the first place that twisted you? without taboo would it still have had the same appeal?

if you're free you'll never see the walls

so i've gotten this far without direction, as of late though i start to wonder where i am and what i'm doing. at random points in the day a sensation similar to a slap across the face overcomes me, as if saying "this is all she wrote?! do something!" I'll wait patiently, careful not to miss a beat. The difference between success and a deathbed is timing. I want to move walls, but every one else forces me not to.
It seems the modern man has but one skill that is relevant, deception. The end all and be all of skill, i am forever changing but appear whole, like a body of water. take what i need without asking, need what i take without wanting, want what i am without changing, change what i am without wanting. This is what i need to do, the basis of my work. I can't succeed without duping the rest of the world, after all, all change is initially lied about. my mind is a boil and my patience evaporating with it. Sometimes all i can think about is to destroy. No one will ever understand unless i bring them to their knees. when all that can be seen is stagnation and contenment and all that can be found is a longer road to walk. Friends, don't wait.
the last thing that he said was set this fucker off

i read an article by david suzuki in which he compares agriculture to human culture. In it, he presents how horticulturlists determined back in the 50's that at a genetic level, there are astonishing differences between say, 2 flies, or 2 pumpkins, what have you. They then discovered that they were leaning the wrong direction, instead of trying to find and exploit one specific 'super' genome, they figured it best to assault the environment with diversity to get the best yield of crops. A smart farmer new this long before any scientest put a name to it, as with most things. When a crop is rooted into specific exact form genetically, weaknesses and susceptibality to disease are overwhelming common.
Human culture is not that different. After the collapse of the soviet union, amazing new technologies came out to the rest of the world, particularly hovercrafts and laser eye surgery. A walmart is a walmart is a walmart. We're spreading the herd thin. If a condition effects the physical, the same stressor under different context will effect the mental. Globalization simply doesn't work.

$950,000 wedding

Reading The Province today i glanced over an snooze-fest article about hot wedding locations, until i noticed one of the options cost 950,000 thousand USD. This just boggled my mind at the utter disgust of the capitalist world, we still have a peasant class and royalty. Anyone who would consider this should be lynched, forced to have a 25 dollar wedding in vegas under a neon cowboy, and the money donated to charity. Love is conditional, it appears.

Also, congratulations to Jess if she reads this for making BC's player of the week, getting 11 points and a record 19 rebounds in her first game at Malaspina. Haven't talked to you in a while, glad to hear your doing well.

cliche title

an update on the WEEKEND PROJECT post:
after calling every conceivable computer parts dealer in town and driving to every pawn shop (durr, what's an lcd man-iee-tor? hey barb we got any l-c-d manitors?) without success of finding a fucking monitor, i gave up. You'd think it would be alot easier to find a 15 inch monitor with 10+ computer "technicians" in town, but nontheless.
instead i bought a new camera http://www.livingroom.org.au/photolog/images/thumbnails/canon_powershot_a95_all.jpg
and a home theatre system
http://www.jvc.com/Resources/00/00/49/57.JPG

sorry if anyone was interested in watching dave and myself seriously electrocute and irritate one another.

I finally had the discussion with my dad that i'd been too timid to bring up. We talked about his seeming rigidity to life and how he took his cards as drawn. For anyone who cares, my brother and I took to an obvious split in opinion from fatherly presence. Doug saw him as solid, unbreakable, unflexible; and subsequentally aimed his life to be like this. He blocks out any sort of public emotional response, particularly anger. I'd also found Doug to take my father as only his most obvious charecteristics without analysing why he might have them. I took the opposite approach for many years, utter defiance. Viewing his inability to make change, negativity and weakness were all i saw. I simply refused to accept anything that even remotely did not suit my taste, and felt more productive (if at times, miserable) for it. Now as time progresses i feel i've released this bondage of concious thought and am substantially more flexible and changeable. True strength and power lies in a strange place. If that sounds a touch more condescending than usual, then so be it. But I digress, my real point being that as I came to a more even keel, i realized that my dad's unscathing ability to face the worst was from flexibilty, and that even though he wasn't in a conventional position of power, he had practically inconceivable strength. How nous nous-Nei ching trendy of me.