no selling waste of space: 2005-04-24

so predictable.

so apparently next payday i'm going bungee jumping, assuming of course that i don't fall asleep before hand . I'm having the expected 'will i puss out?' type thoughts, and then that leads to something a little more hardcore. I start to wonder what if? what if the cord breaks and i hurl to the earth and my ultimate demise? and then without much concious thought i start to think about how much money someone would get from the wrongful death lawsuit, and how much easier it might just be. Only when i snap out of this semi-concious thought process does the thought of dieing become scary. This has happened several times today and i can't explain it. perhaps just by writing this down it will leave me.
the world seems to being growing more and more apathetic from my little chair. What about you? You grit and scream and break yourself and gather up your parts again until it's just another routine and someone else can do it worse. Then some dickhead comes alone to keep you in check and does you even worse until you don't even know your feet from the ground and your happy when your released from it all, even if only temporary. if the empires of the future are the empires of the mind then slavery does not need bullwhips or chains. You can shackle someone to a rrsp, a goal, a pointless future in a system that never wanted it's bastard son and will leave it exactly no worse or not better. perhaps someone ought to do something about that. No man is an island.
i want a radical change but i don't know what and i don't know why. help?
what the hell is wrong with me

break my bones to watch them heal

can't tell whether im really angry or perfectly calm. i mean in general. with pure hate and anger comes a seeming calm and straight-forward confidence. There's nothing worse than someone who can't be angry with style. Rage is beautiful. To see someone filled with hatred, to the point of murder but with a smile on their face or a verbose string of adjectives to attack their enemies is a glorious thing. As i've said before, i don't believe humans to have any physical style or grace, merely practice. In my mind, being at the point of frothing at the mouth but still a character of these practices is something of true amazement. I can't help but stare.
everytime i write in this stupid blog i end up thinking about lighting something on fire. quite literally. and the things i imagine burning to enthusiastic ash keep getting bigger and bigger. im a weird little boy in a city of old boring men. But i do know what it feels like.

pc load letter?! what the fuck does that mean?

so yeah, new shift as of may 1st friday sat sun off but 7 A-MOTHERFUCK-M TO 6PM 4 DAYS A WEEK, NO CHOICE. Sounds like somebodies got a case of the mondays! i haven't been up at 6 am (unless still awake) since, actually i've never been up at 6 am. if anyone finds me unconcious at the beach with a couple six packs, call it a sleep aid and try to keep me warm.

father wears his sunday best

i'm weary about posting this but i think i still will merely because it was profound. As i sat i just felt like i was lifted a thousand feet in the air, that my room and sight extended for hundreds of yards in every direction, and possibly the true centre of my body. It was brief but very beautiful. simply amazing.